Conversations with Critters
Walk with the animals. Talk with the animals. And the highly anticipated release of Chapter 4 from The Case of the Bowled Over Bowler Hat!
Today, Critters, the J Kitten, Sleuth & Purveyor of Bright Shiny Objects Detective Agency has a conundrum with their Client which they must solve before we can go any further. Are they dealing with an inside job already and so early on in the action? Did the Butler do it in a classic form of the whodunit? Or is there more to the story than meets their ever watchful eye?
As Jasper Kitten likes to say, safety is paramount. So, please fasten your seatbelts and stay for the latest wild ride with Chapter 4 of The Case of the Bowled Over Bowler Hat! Please, welcome our Core Community Critters, Jasper Kitten, Chris and Jojo in excellent introductory conundrum critter commentary and conversation. Take. It. Away!
Jasper: Hello, Critters and welcome to Chapter 4! Safety is paramount, so please fasten your seatbelts!
Chris: Thank you, Jasper, for this incredible public safety announcement. I’m buckled up and ready to ride shotgun with you. The end.
Jojo: Welcome Dear Gentle Critters and Dear Gentle Readers! I have my paw on the pulse of the action, so let’s go!
THE CASE OF THE BOWLED OVER BOWLER HAT
BOOK 2 FROM THE J KITTEN, SLEUTH & PURVEYOR OF BRIGHT SHINY OBJECTS DETECTIVE AGENCY
BY JASPER KITTEN, CHRIS, JOJO AND STAR IN HEAVEN FUREVER AND EVER
DEDICATED IN LUVLUVLUVING MEMORY OF STAR
CHAPTER 4
TARNISHED
Retired Sgt. Det. Jojo of the San Francisco Sheriff’s Department, Canine Unit, Muttville Division, leapt to his feet with all of the years of his experience as a first responder and rushed to the aid of Archibald, slumped at the tea table.
Star furiously rang the butler’s bell and Jasper Kitten used both of his white gloved paws to cradle Archibald’s head. Chris ran out into the hall and called out for Sebastian to make haste.
“Gosh, Mr. Sebastian Butler! Mr. Lord of the Manor has collapsed!” cried Star, the light flashing in her eyes.
Jojo checked Archibald for a pulse and felt a thin thready beat under his palpating toebean. Next, he noted that Archibald’s eyes were rolled back in his head and then he checked Archibald’s pupillary light reflexes.
“Critters,” he declared, “Lord Archibald has fainted.”
“Please, allow me,” said Sebastian, producing smelling salts from his vest pocket. “Lord Archibald has a history of fainting when under extreme circumstances of stress and duress.”
Archibald’s nose quivered, his whiskers twitched, and his head lolled from side to side while Sebastian waved the smelling salts.
“Who,” mumbled Archibald in a weak and woozy meow. “Who. Is. It?”
“Mr. Lord Archibald, please, you must rest,” cautioned Star, calming Archibald.
“Who is this smooth operator?” cried Archibald, his voice regaining strength.
“Lord Archibald,” said Jojo, “we are going to move you to your rooms. You are safe and we are here to take care of you.”
“Please. Please, help me, J Kitten, Sleuth & Purveyor of Bright Shiny Objects Detective Agency, please, I, I, beseech you,” Archibald lifted his head, but then slumped against the table.
Chris and Jasper Kitten lifted and carried their semi-conscious Client, following Sebastian up up up the grand staircase and down the hallway to a spacious suite of rooms. They set Archibald on his big four poster bed and elevated his hind feet on a cushion, careful to cover his toebeans with a blanket. When Archibald shivered, Star reached out with her cinnamon brown paws to cover him fully, patting the blanket around his sides.
Jojo stood vigil next to the bed and monitored Archibald’s vital signs.
Archibald made a series of inaudible mews and thrashed his head from side to side.
“Where is my monocle? Sebastian, I need my monocle!” he cried.
“Lord Archibald, Star is correct, you must rest,” barked and remarked Jojo, “your pulse is still quite weak.”
“My guests are due to arrive, my guests, my guests,” he mumbled and meowed and then drifted off to sleep with a steady rise and fall of his chest and a soft rhythm of his breath.
“Jojo, out of an abundance of concern and caution, how do we know he’s sleeping and didn’t pass out again?” Jasper Kitten asked Jojo.
“Good question, Jasper Kitten,” replied Jojo. “His breathing is normal and his pulse is strengthening. His eyes are in a normal position and his pupillary response is strong. I see no further sign of vasovagal syncope in Lord Archibald. He. Is. Asleep.”
“I see,” mewed Jasper Kitten, giving a nod of his Orange striped brow.
“Perhaps, now that Lord Archibald is resting, I may show the J Kitten, Sleuth & Purveyor of Bright Shiny Objects Detective Agency to your rooms?” suggested the Butler. “And, please, call me Sebastian as I am known at the Manor House.”
“Gosh, thank you Mr. Sebastian Butler,” said Star.
“Why, that’s a swell idea,” confirmed Chris. “I’ll bring in our gear from the boot of the Mini.”
“But Chris, we don’t wear boots,” pointed out Star with a cinnamon brown paw.
“That’s English English for the trunk of the car, Star,” mentioned Chris.
“Thank you for the clarification on this confounding shared language, Chris,” she replied.
“Naturally, of course. I’ll be back in a jiffy,” said Chris over his shoulder as he headed to the car.
Sebastian showed the Detectives to their rooms down the hall from Archibald. Jasper Kitten and Chris shared one room and the Canine Unit, Star and Jojo, shared the adjacent room with a connecting door.
Chris hefted the bags upstairs and sorted them out per room, then returned to the Tea Room for the Attache Case which he securely carried to Jasper Kitten’s bedside.
“You will find these rooms en suite with a separate, shall we say, facility for both felines and canines,” described Sebastian. “There is also the modern amenity of a mini fridge in each room if you so feel the need or desire for a midnight snack, all with the compliments of Lord Archibald. I have stoked the fires in each room as well. Is there anything else that you may require for your comfort tonight?”
“Thank you, Sebastian,” mewed Jasper Kitten. “This is most kind and generous indeed. I believe all is in good order for us.”
“Very well,” he bowed. “I will return to his Lordship.”
They heard his footsteps retreat down the hall. Jasper Kitten retrieved his headlamp from the Attache Case and peered out of the room. He held up a white gloved paw and then swiped the air with an all clear signal.
Together, the Critter Detectives advanced to the staircase and soundlessly made their way back to the library. Jasper Kitten secured the headlamp to his Orange striped brow and Star stood at the ready next to the old world globe. Chris and Jojo joined Jasper Kitten at the bookcase and on the count of one two three, Star gave the globe a spin with all her pound per pound Chihuahua strength. She bolted to the bookcase as it began its rotation and grabbed a big book on her way.
The J Kitten, Sleuth & Purveyor of Bright Shiny Objects Detective Agency darted into the hidden chamber. Star, out of an abundance of investigative and security minded caution, braced a copy of the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary, Volume N-Z, against the door jamb, blocking the bookcase from closing completely.
“Critters,” she barked under her breath, “we have a way back in if this hidden side of the library proves itself to be impassable.”
“Star, thank you for this strategic maneuver and foresight,” commended Jasper Kitten as he focused the beam of the headlamp into the hidden recesses of the library.
“You’re welcome. In all of my years of experience, I have at times found a multifaceted use for reference books. Tonight. Is. One. Of. Those. Times,” she replied and a glint from the headlamp flashed in her eyes.
Jasper Kitten cast the light about the spacious room, empty and soundless and he took the first steps forward across the floorboards, into the depths. The walls around them narrowed into a passageway and the Detectives formed a single file, pressing further and further ahead. The ground made a gradual long descent and grew more earthen and damp under their toebeans. Water began to pool and puddle around them, muddy and dank.
A warped and wooden door stopped them in their tracks. Jasper Kitten patted it with his white gloved paws and it yielded to the touch and dexterity of his toebeans, opening to the night and the scent of peat that infused the air. They scaled a long staircase up to the lawn.
“Critters,” mewed Jasper Kitten. “If my instincts serve me correctly, I believe we are close to a bog.”
“Gosh, that must be why this lawn feels so squishy,” barked Star.
“Correct, Star. We are near wetlands,” elaborated Jasper Kitten, shaking water off of his toebeans. “It is most unnatural to the feline sensibility, but investigations come with this type of territory. We. Must. Press. On.”
“Ditto,” said Chris as he too shook water off of his toebeans. “This. Is. A. Slog.”
Jasper Kitten gauged the distance that they had traversed from the Manor House which sat far away, blanketed by the night. Wisps of smoke floated from the chimneys, a single point of light shone from an upstairs window.
“We have come quite a distance from the Manor House,” pointed out Jasper Kitten with a soggy white gloved paw. “Given the nature of the wetlands and the generations of British Shorthairs on the Purrington Estate, this could explain the existence of the tunnel which we have just traversed.”
“Why, they would have been protected back in the day from getting their illustrious toebeans wet,” growled Chris, low and slow. “But the water intrusion over the years can’t be avoided.”
“Well said, Chris,” agreed Jasper Kitten. “Furthermore, I see an outbuilding up ahead. Please. Proceed.”
He led them toward the small structure, water sloshed and splashed as they trotted along.
“Jasper Kitten, this place is completely boarded up,” barked Jojo.
“I see,” mewed Jasper Kitten.
The whiskers of the J Kitten, Sleuth & Purveyor of Bright Shiny Objects Detective Agency twitched in tandem as mildew assaulted their keen olfactory senses.
“Gosh, this place smells completely uninhabitable,” coughed Star.
“Yes, it was built too close to the bog,” commented Chris, stifling a sneeze. He traced a toebean against one of the boarded up windows.
“What is it, Chris?” asked Jojo, feeling the damp seeping into his wirehair.
“There’s a screen at the base of this board,” replied Chris.
“Are you saying…,” said Jojo.
“Do you mean…,” said Star.
“Yes,” said Chris. “This small structure could very well be a boarded up Catio.”
“Chris,” cried Jasper Kitten. “This is a critical clue in the investigation on the Purrington Estate. Let’s tear off this board. Please. Proceed. At. Once.”
Jasper Kitten and Chris each grabbed hold of one side of the board and pulled against it. The wood splintered and broke in half with a crack and mildew gushed from the opening.
They jumped back and gasped for a breath of fresh air, dropping the torn board on the ground. Star and Jojo rushed over to them and patted them on their backs.
“There must be a catdoor, too,” said Jasper Kitten, angling the beam of the headlamp along the Catio.
“There it is!” barked Jojo, bounding toward a corner. “It’s boarded up like the rest of the place.”
The Critters hopped to it and Chris pulled the board off the catdoor with a single swipe of a toebean.
“Gosh, there sure are a lot of musty dusty and mildewed buildings for detectives to discover,” barked Star.
“Correct, Star,” mewed Jasper Kitten, honing in on the catdoor.
“I’m certainly reminded of solving our last case. I thought that would have been a full stop right there in the Pacific Ocean until we arrived here at Purrington in England,” she sniffed.
Vivid memories of their previous, successful and world renowned investigation in The Case of the Misplaced Priority Envelope rushed back to them, of the wild and dangerous clues that were revealed both indoors and outdoors, rugged and remote.
The Critters conferred and concurred that the Purrington Estate Catio, their latest architectural find, was in fact built too close to a bog.
“Your recall of recent investigative events as they pertain to our current circumstances is a most astute observation as a detective, Star,” said Jasper Kitten.
“Thank you, Jasper Kitten. Our experiences with dilapidated, uninhabitable and even boarded up buildings really builds on itself. Thank you very much,” she sputtered in the must and dust.
“You’re welcome, Star!” Jasper Kitten peered through the catdoor and scanned the interior.
“The indoor air quality is terrible,” declared Jasper Kitten. “However. I see evidence of a former occupancy which warrants further investigation. I’m. Going. In.”
“Jasper Kitten, please, you could cause permanent damage to your olfactory senses,” pleaded Star.
“It’s not worth the risk to your sensory acuity,” agreed Jojo.
“Of course, safety is paramount,” mewed Jasper Kitten. “A refreshing wind is picking up out of the bog which may prove to be quite cleansing and dehumidifying of the interior. May I suggest that we open up another boarded window on the opposite side of the Catio in order to create cross ventilation?”
“Why, that’s a great idea, Jasper Kitten,” responded Chris.
Jasper Kitten and Chris circled the Catio and tore off the board on the opposite wall, revealing a tattered screen.
“Let’s give it a few minutes, Jasper Kitten,” suggested Chris. “We could all use a breather.”
Jasper Kitten gave a nod of his Orange striped brow. He adjusted his headlamp, ready for a thorough search of the Catio interior.
“Critters, a thought has occurred to me,” barked Jojo.
“Please, Jojo. We’re all ears,” replied Jasper Kitten.
“Bogs are known to be, shall we say, quite preservative of evidence.”
“I see,” mewed Jasper Kitten. “Go on, Jojo.”
“During daylight hours, I suggest that we return to the bog for a thorough investigation of the area. Perhaps, it will yield more clues hidden within due to the nature of its anaerobic environment and tannic acids,” he concluded.
“Your scientific investigative point is well taken, Jojo,” responded Jasper Kitten. “It is most important not only to wait a few minutes for the Catio to air out but also to think ahead, so that we can see where the investigation leads us.”
“Correct, Jasper Kitten,” barked Jojo.
Jasper Kitten swatted the refreshing air with a white gloved paw.
“It’s time,” he cried and darted through the catdoor.
Chris, Star and Jojo followed him inside.
“Watch your step,” called Jasper Kitten over the clatter of debris. “The Catio looks ransacked!”
“Gosh, this place looks like a catfight took place,” barked Star, careful of the placement of her cinnamon brown paws.
Furniture was strewn about, knocked over and slashed. The Couch was shredded and the stuffing disintegrated. Claw marks were gouged deep into the floorboards and broken tea sets and crockery were scattered about.
Jasper Kitten knelt down and adjusted the beam of his headlamp on a tarnished silver teapot. The Critters gathered round.
“If my instincts serve me correctly, this was once a bright shiny object long long ago,” deduced Jasper Kitten. “Critters, I suspect that we may be dealing with a case and a quagmire of intergenerational trauma among British Shorthairs by a bog.”
No one said a word as Jasper Kitten turned the tarnished teapot over with his white gloved paw. A family crest had been nearly scratched off, but Jasper Kitten detected the Latin words murmurillum ad infinitum.
“Purr Furever,” mewed Jasper Kitten.
A silence fell over them, heavy and laden with the damage in the Catio and of a discovered relic that had failed as a family heirloom so very long ago.
🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾
Poetry with Pets
Family heirloom
Intergenerational
Infinite purring
By Jasper Kitten, Chris and Jojo
Critters, this is Emily. I'm writing on behalf of the hounds and cats at Hound Hollow. Please be careful. We are worried about what you'll discover in that musty, mildew ridden bog when the sun comes up. William is ready to go and help you, all you have to do is ask. Travis wants to help out as well - he's 9 months old now and he says his young eyes, nose and youth could be very useful to JoJo. Remember we are here to help and we are waiting to hear what happens next. Emily & the gang.
The critters use of English English is exemplary. The end. 🌟