Conversations with Critters

Walk with the animals. Talk with the animals. And the highly anticipated release of Chapter 15 of The Case of The Misplaced Priority Envelope!

Nov 19, 2024

Today, Critters, we are pleased to present the highly anticipated release of Chapter 15 of The Case of The Misplaced Priority Envelope! The unfolding mystery is brought to you by the J Kitten, Sleuth & Purveyor of Bright Shiny Objects Detective Agency! Previously, we left off with our Critter Detectives listening closely to a critical conversation while they hid in an air vent. What will they discover in today’s episode? Where will they go next? What. Will. Happen? Please, join us now for a deep deep dive with our Core Community Cats, Jasper Kitten and Chris! We welcome them in excellent detective critter conversation. Take it away!

Jasper: Critters, before we going any further, please get ready for some heavy lifting today!

Chris: Thank you, Friends. Because. I’m about to pull out all of the stops and exert myself.

Jasper: That’s right, Chris. Staying on the Couch is not an option in Chapter 15!

Chris: Fortunately, this is also known in the vernacular as Fiction.

Jasper: So, let’s read all about it!

Chris: Ditto! Dear Gentle Critters and Dear Gentle Readers, thank you for being here and now! For your reading pleasure, we present!…

The Case of The Misplaced Priority Envelope
Book 1 from the J Kitten, Sleuth & Purveyor of Bright Shiny Objects Detective Agency
By Jasper Kitten, Chris and Star in Heaven Furever and Ever
Dedicated in luvluvluving memory of Star
Chapter 15
On The Beach

Jasper Kitten, Chris and Star followed the air vent until it dropped down into a shaft with metal rungs. They scaled the ladder and crawled out into a massive storage room, damp and freezing cold. A fluorescent light buzzed and flickered overhead.

”Gosh, these fluorescent lights throughout the bunker really need to be replaced,” blinked Star.

“What other shoddy maintenance is in this place?” asked Chris, scanning the vast space.

”Good points, Star and Chris. There are weaknesses in the facility management of the bunker which are clear and evident,” said Jasper Kitten, spying a double door at the far reaches of the storage room and a freight elevator adjacent to it.

Jasper Kitten gave the signal with a white gloved paw and the Critters crossed the room. Chris pushed the double door open to a rush of fresh salt air. They filled their lungs and then exhaled all the way out, stepping onto a sandy beach beneath their toebeans.

”How is your injured paw, Chris?” inquired Jasper Kitten as they padded over to a group of large rocks and sat down behind them, hidden from view.

“Thank you for asking, Jasper Kitten,” replied Chris. “The bleeding has stopped and I can bear my full weight on my toebean. I can and I will soldier on.”

”You are an excellent trooper,” complimented Jasper Kitten.

”Thank you very much, Jasper Kitten,” replied Chris, stretching his toebeans in the sand.

Star gazed up at the cliff that rose above them.

”That must be the opening to the cave,” she pointed with her cinnamon brown paw to the edge of the trail a hundred feet up.

”Yes, we’ve got a good idea now as to the full layout of the bunker and how it connects to the outdoors,” said Jasper Kitten.

A ship appeared on the horizon and approached the beach. It dropped anchor offshore and lowered a row boat into the water. Commands and orders drifted toward them as a three Hooman crew began to unload a chained and shivering group of Critters.

The detectives kept careful watch, their eyes a mere fraction of an inch above the rocks.

”It is as I suspected, a whole collection of species specific smuggling,” Jasper Kitten mewed under his breath.

”Gosh, it looks like both mammals and avians,” gasped Star.

”They will require a wide ranging series of identifications,” replied Jasper Kitten. “Quite possibly, we are already seeing Pangolins, Baby Orangutans, and Parrots with clipped wings.”

“Jasper Kitten, it’s no wonder you found The Definitive Fieldguide to Furbabies of the Farallones and The Rest of The World and The Definitive Fieldguide to Featherbabies of the Farallones and The Rest of The World in the Victorian cottages on the right and on the left,” whispered Chris.

Jasper Kitten gave a nod of his head, his orange stripes furrowed deep in his brow.

”Correct, Chris. This is a large scale and ongoing criminal wildlife trafficking operation here on the Farallones that involves a multitude of innocent lives,” Jasper Kitten focused his full attention on the row boat as it ferried the group to shore.

The three Hooman crew beached the craft.

“Now you get to really walk the plank,” they laughed, unloading the precious cargo onto the beach.

“March,” they prodded them toward the bunker.

The double door swung open wide and standing in the frame was none other than the Nefarious Perp himself, counting the group of Chained Critters and laughing, laughing all the while.

”Welcome,” he laughed at them again and again. “Welcome to the Farallones.”

The double doors slammed shut behind the last of the group to cross the threshold into the bunker.

A small red light began to flash over the double doorway. A camera emerged from the wall and angled toward the rocks that concealed the J Kitten, Sleuth & Purveyor of Bright Shiny Objects Detective Agency.

Chris picked up a stone and threw it at the camera with a direct hit. They heard it shatter and watched it drop onto the ground.

“Good shot!” praised Jasper Kitten.

“Do you think they saw us?” asked Chris.

”I’m not sure, let’s get out of here,” urged Jasper Kitten.

The row boat sat on the sandy beach. With a short sprint ahead, they could make a quick escape. On the count of three, Jasper Kitten, Chris and Star made their bold and collective move.

Only a few more steps separated them from the beach and the boat, then two steps, and with one more step to go they felt it, all around them, ensnared, enmeshed, and bound to their bodies. The net tightened and pulled them backwards through the wet sand.

Large Hooman hands scruffed the Critters and held them aloft. They dangled and struggled, they growled and hissed, they thrashed and bashed against the restraints, but they were each held in a fierce grip and faced with a laugh from which they could not escape.

”Well, well, well. If it isn’t the J Kitten, Sleuth & Purveyor of Bright Shiny Objects Detective Agency. Did I say that right? Or is it Defective Agency?” laughed the Nefarious Perp.

“Take them in, each and every nuisance one of them,” he instructed the three Hooman crew.

Carried by the scruff of their necks, Jasper Kitten, Chris and Star were taken to a back room and tied to a row of bureaucratic business chairs.

The Nefarious Perp supervised his crew and then sent them away. He confronted the Critters. They strained against their bindings.

”I won’t bother to have them gag you,” he menaced. “I’ve wasted enough of my precious energy on you already. Besides. No one and I mean, no one, can hear you. And if they can, no one cares.”

Jasper Kitten gave the Nefarious Perp a hard and unblinking stare.

”What’s the matter, Jasper Kitten? Cat got your tongue?” the Nefarious Perp laughed and rocked back on his heels.

”Why, we’re not afraid to go head to head and toe bean to toe bean with you, Perp!” Chris growled loud and proud.

”Nefarious Perp,” snarled Jasper Kitten, baring his teeth. “No good will come of this.”

”Well, I’ve got to agree with you on that Jasper Kitten,” squealed the Nefarious Perp with delight. “That’s kinda the point, Kitty Kitty. Ever since that idiot Big Rig driver of mine was stupid enough to cut you off on the road, you and your mutts have done nothing but get underfoot instead of going on your merry little way.”

”Perhaps, Nefarious Perp, you would have done better with a driverless Big Rig,” replied Jasper Kitten.

“Well, thank you for the driving tip, you’re a genius, a true road warrior,” laughed the Nefarious Perp.

“My technological research into the Big Rig driver,” stated Chris, “including utilizing the bridge toll system, Fastrak, revealed no identifying information out of San Francisco. You may have tried to elude detection from the very beginning of our investigation, but you have not outwitted us.”

“You cats overthink everything,” laughed the Perp. “There’s a perfectly logical explanation for that. I had the Big Rig driver switch license plates.”

”Gosh, you are not a very nice person, Mr. Nefarious Perp,” barked Star. “Furthermore, you hire bad drivers!”

”Gosh, Star. I heard a little rumor that you can navigate by reading a paper map. Well, gosh. Wait until I wipe you off of it.”

The light flashed in Star’s eyes and she lunged against her bindings, the bureaucratic business chair tipping an inch forward.

”You pampered pets think you’re so clever like you’re the smartest person in the room. So. Take a good look around you. This is the room.”

The Nefarious Perp took a step closer to them.

”Now listen to me, you domesticated mongrels. There’s no way outta here. Not now. Not ever. Your hides are mine. All mine.” And with that said, the Nefarious Perp exited the room.

The Critters gave each other sideways glances before the lights went out. The footsteps and the laughter of the Nefarious Perp echoed and faded away from them. They sat still together and waited until Chris broke the silence with a hushed growl.

”Jasper Kitten and Star,” he said.

“Yes, Chris,” replied Jasper Kitten.

”We’re all ears,” said Star.

”The Nefarious Perp’s crew was sloppy. I have one toebean free of these bindings. It might take some time. But. I’m. Confident. I. Can. Free. Us.”

”Excellent. Please. Proceed. Chris,” said Jasper Kitten.

”Hurry, Chris, my cinnamon brown paws have the circulation cut off,” said Star in as stoic a voice as possible under the circulatory circumstances.

”Star, fortunately, I am sitting next to you. Can you lean towards me? I noticed that your chair moved a little when you lunged at the Nefarious Perp.”

Star leaned toward Chris with all her can do Chihuahua might and the bureaucratic business chair yielded and tipped toward him.

The bindings cut easily enough against the onslaught of Chris and his sharp retractable claw. Star broke free and rubbed her cinnamon brown paws against the pain in her wrists.

“Thank you very much, Chris,” she said.

”You’re welcome, Star,” he said.

They continued to work in tandem to free each other. Star freed Chris and then they freed Jasper in record time. They huddled together against the dark cold room.

”This is where we must utilize the full power, the full scope and the full extent of our whiskers to get out of here,” mewed Jasper Kitten. “We must remain incognito, in the dark.”

”Furthermore,” he continued, “we have more investigative detective work to do. Much more.”

”Several species worth, Jasper Kitten,” said Chris.

”Correct, Chris.” Jasper Kitten took the lead and they felt their way over to the wall.

The tune of a sea shanty, rhythmic and soulful, resonated in the room. As the Critters listened, a range of bells from soprano to bass blended with the melody.

“Gosh, where is that song coming from?” asked Star.

“We’re all ears,” said Chris.

“We must tune in to the chant,” said Jasper Kitten. “It is compelling, sonic and melodic, but something strikes me as…”

“Are you saying…,” said Star.

“Do you mean…,” said Chris.

“Yes. Exactly. There is a steady hammering that is on the beat with this genre of traditional folk worksong.”

The song grew in a sustained volume and Jasper Kitten tap tapped his white gloved paw against his orange stripes. The lyrics repeated, over and over:

Strike the bell, critters

The Nefarious Perp collared us

Strike the bell, critters

Da-da-da-da-da

Strike the bell, critters

Dream of freedom

Da-da-da-da-da

Break away

On wings to fly

Strike the bell, strike the bell

Jasper Kitten felt along the wall with his whiskers, followed by Chris and Star who did the same, searching for a way out. The weathered surface stretched out ahead of them.

Chris let out a startled meow as pain shot up his injured toe bean.

”I’ve stepped on something in the floor,” he winced.

They ran their paws across the floor close to the wall and discovered a lever. Chris pressed down on it, but it would not budge.

“If my instincts serve me correctly, this lever might operate a hidden doorway and lead us to the singers.”

”Perhaps it hasn’t been used in a very long time,” surmised Star.

”Good thinking, Star. Plus, the weathering effects of this wild place, rugged and remote, including the cold ambient room temperature, may also have contributed to the lever becoming inoperable, rusted and stuck,” hypothesized Jasper Kitten.

Chris bore down against the rusted lever, applying steady pressure and he felt it begin to release. With a final push, working through the pain that continued to shoot through his toebean, the lever gave way and depressed into the floor.

They waited, but were still in the dark with their whiskers touching the wall. And then, with a creak and a scrape, the wall began to slide. They stood back as a workshop opened up before them.

An assembly line of Pangolins did not look up from their work. They kept steady rhythm with the sea shanty, singing as they hammered and fashioned chrome plated bells and non-breakaway collars.

Paw by paw, they molded and then polished the bells to a shine, ringing each one to test it for the clearest sonic quality and the highest of high fidelity audio.

“Their dexterity and finesse and auditory sensitivity is truly remarkable,” marveled and mewed Jasper Kitten.

“Gosh, and yet put to such diabolical purposes,” commented Star.

“I have a question on logistics not acoustics,” said Chris.

“Please. Proceed, Chris,” said Jasper Kitten.

“We’ve discovered that there are dozens of Critters being held captive. How are we going to get all of them off the Farallones to safety?”

They sensed a shuffling gait behind them and spun around as the question was swept away in the rising volume of the sea shanty.