Conversations with Critters
Walk with the animals. Talk with the animals. And an All Points Bulletin for the first in a series, featuring the Reader Responses that heeded the Clarion Call for Submissions...
Today, Critters, welcome welcome to the first in what is going to be an extensive and incredibly fun luvluvluving series of posts. You know, we had such a huge and we do mean really big response from our readers who heeded our Clarion Call for Submissions. The Antics have dogpiled on us! Many thanks to all of you who took the time to write to us! So, let’s get started right away with the First Critter!
We welcome the one and the only Kermit the Frog! Kermit is a French Bulldog and Pug Mix. He’s a year old and lives at altitude in the Mountains. Critters, take a deep deep breath to keep yourselves oxygenated and then slowly slowly let it all the way out. Please, join us now in excellent if not crime ridden critter conversation! Take it away!
Heidi: Friends! Critters! Dear Gentle Readers! Welcome to our Special Series of Reader Responses. Many thanks for all of the Antics and Submissions. We have Kermit here with us for a fact-filled account about to unfold on the path unwinding!
Jasper: Note to Hoomans: We’re waiting for Kermit. He’s not here yet.
Heidi: Oh, gosh. But I just introduced him! Where is he?
Chris: Well, it’s going to be awhile. Because. Word has just come through that Kermit is under house arrest!
Jasper: …you mean…
Chris:…yes, he has been detained for some kind of behavior deemed by his Hoomans to be what is known in the vernacular as naughty.
Jasper: Naughty behavior! Oh no oh no! Chris, but whatever for? What has he done this time?
Chris: Yeah, good question, I’m not sure, but it seems like it was something nefarious. Again. Maybe he did another bait and switch where he used the tv remote as a red herring, a distraction, from his true target of kidnapping Minnie Mouse from the top of the headboard in the bedroom. Full disclosure. Full stop.
Jasper: We need a trigger warning for that, Chris! You can’t just put it out there for all to see! It’s too Disney! Oh, wait, listen, yes! A text has just come in from Kermit.
Chris: Read it outloud, Jasper! Everyone needs to know! Hurry!
Jasper: He says, I’m en route, but I had to deviate and take a detour in order to elude being detained under house arrest. The end. Paw print emoji. Paw print emoji.
Chris: Gosh, that is rather mysterious! I’m not even convinced that using my toe beans on google maps would help find Kermit and his whereabouts! Can we track his cell phone?
Jasper: All we can do is wait. His cell phone is incognito.
Chris: Yes. Waiting. Waiting.
Jasper: In the interim, I do have an existential question, Chris.
Chris: Sure, what is it? It looks like we have some significant time on our paws. What’s on your mind, Jasper?
Jasper: Are pancakes flat?
Chris: I believe so, Jasper. Please, allow me to use my toe beans to google pancakes.
Jasper: Gosh, why is the internet so slow?
Chris: Yeah, it’s still loading.
Jasper: Waiting. Waiting.
Chris: Here it is!
Jasper: Great! What. Is. It?
Chris: Pancakes are always flat, although they can be quote unquote fluffy and they can be stacked.
Jasper: I knew it! I just knew it!
Chris: You are deeply intuitive.
Jasper: Yes. I am. Chris?
Chris: Yes, Jasper?
Jasper: Is the Earth flat?
Chris: You mean like a pancake?
Jasper: Yes. Please, allow me to rephrase my question for the sake of clarity if not brevity.
Chris: O’kay, go ahead when you’re ready.
Jasper: Thank you, Chris. Thank you very much. Is the Earth flat like a pancake?
Chris: No, Jasper. The Earth is round. It’s a planet.
Jasper: Oh. I see.
Chris: Jasper! I hear a car and it’s revving up up up! Has Kermit tapped into one of the Laws of Physics? Is that the Doppler Effect?
Jasper: Chris! Oh no oh no! Do you think it’s Kermit eluding the authorities?
Chris: My suspicions are growing stronger and stronger, Jasper!
Kermit: Hellooooo, Critters. Greetings, Sports Fans. I. Have. Arrived. Undetected. The. End.
Jasper: Oh, but Kermit! We need to know! We have to find out what you did that made you elude detection! What drove you to it! Question mark. Question mark.
Chris: Kermit, while we were waiting for you, we established that the Earth is round and so, therefore, we would like to know what on Earth happened to you?
Kermit: Well, my friends, before we go any further with the building of suspense, let me share a photo of my much sought after target for the edification and enjoyment of our readers. Please, if you need a trigger warning then so be it. Because. What I did is just so Disney.
Jasper: Kermit, when we consider the larger forensic ramifications of Crime Scene Investigation, for the sake of brevity called CSI, what would you consider the motive for your Crime Spree? Would you say that it was for money or for luvluvluv?
Kermit: This was no ordinary heist! This was solely to fulfill my luvluvluv for one said M. Mouse. Minnie means everything to me. Everything. Every. Thing.
Jasper: Thank you, Kermit. Thank you very much for being candid and straightforward with us. We were rather concerned that you would give a deceptive answer.
Kermit: Nope.
Chris: Would you say that you treated Minnie like an object?
Kermit: No, absolutely not. Full stop.
Jasper: So, how did you have the means for absconding with Minnie?
Kermit: Well, we live in the same house. So there’s that. But! Please, understand, I still had to go to great lengths in order to make my surreptitious getaway with her. It’s not easy being a little dog and gaining access to the Mouse on the top of the Hooman’s headboard.
Jasper: We appreciate your athleticism. We do. Now! What was the opportunity that led to your, shall we say, success?
Kermit: Thank you for the question, Jasper. You see, I waited for my Hoomans to get distracted which, honestly, was pretty immediate in terms of my sense of reward for my efforts.
Chris: All of this, Kermit, in my humble opinion, seems quite pre-meditated.
Kermit: I’m driven by my bullish passion primarily plus the element of surprise.
Jasper: I see.
Chris: Yes. Thank you for the clarification of your motives.
Kermit: Of course of course.
Jasper: Perhaps, given the fact that you have motives, would you like to become a motivational speaker here at Conversations with Critters? Would you like to join us again sometime, Kermit?
Kermit: Yes, I would luvluvluv to as long as I can get the time away.
Chris: Then it’s decided! Critters, Kermit will be back at an undisclosed time in the future. Until then, thank you for your time and attention today.
Jasper: Critters, stay safe and have fun out there! We’ll see you next time!
🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾
Poetry with Pets
When it takes a thief
Is it for love or money?
Frog goes on crime spree
By Jasper Kitten, Chris & Kermit
Note:
Kermit first graced us with his presence here…
[Photos of Kermit courtesy of Cheryl Patzer]
Excellent learning about Kermit and looking forward to seeing him in a future post!
Oh my goodness, what an interview! I was on the edge of my seat 🤣 Kermit & Interviewers, 11/10!🤣